i think you have a lot of conflicting emotions because of the fact that you DO have a conflicting enviornment, growing up left wing and getting into soyjak party is going to push things off kilter. it's also probably another reason why you're more aware when it comes to moral issues and emotional intelligence overall. I've noticed that people who are less reluctant to look into / try to understand both sides of a coin, or are forced to do that even, tend to be more open minded / intelligent.