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070ca2 i never planned on interacting with Zed again, since i dont believe anything i did was their partner was beneficial to their wellbeing. there is mostly nothing but regret from me

14d431 still good for you to know

14d431 angriness has a tendency to fade, which is unfortunate because the reason for the anger usually doesnt

070ca2 sorry, i worded that one post weirdly. i tend to say "you" as in myself, just so i could remember the things i did

14d431 basically im not angry at you for what happened but you're zeds ex so i dont want to interact with you or for him to interact with you

070ca2 i view myself as a human, so i dont view any changes as guarantee to be positive. infact, the negative portions that stayed made me feel extremely hollow now. what could i really say if it was better, other than I dont view worth in being angry

14d431 i forget one on one happenstance easily, even if its against my friends or loved ones. I'm not so easy going when it comes to more moral, relationship related situations.

070ca2 to say i wish i could fix things is a hollow apology, as if you felt that way, you wouldve gladly reconcile a long time ago.

14d431 do you not believe your mindset to be any better?

070ca2 Well, i feel better in the sense that, ive only damaged myself more. im more so accepting of what i am now, and i dont feel like my anger has reason anymore

7d41af *opens conveniently placed door* Yo.

070ca2 i wanted to give myself a reason to despise myself in the future by acting in a horrible way, being the same horrible person that i know of from people in my actual life, who treated me the same

14d431 do you think you are better now?

070ca2 i believed that was the case, cause i felt like i was seen as someone you should keep far away, someone who wasn't taken seriously despite what issues they may bring up. I ended up with self-sabotage after that feeling came boiling over and it just became an extension of what i already hated about myself so much before

14d431 do you think that its true that people where undervaluing your thoughtfulness, or was it mostly self sabotage

070ca2 i felt like i was being valued differently, in a way that was less than what i thought. and, it stung real bad, especially with the stress of my family, it kind of stacked.

070ca2 it was thoughtfulness, or rather, the thoughtfulness of myself and those I knew. i wanted to show everybody that i had them in my mind and that i could be someone to support them, at least, thats what i believed i was trying to do for a long time. thats what i thought cv did, but, it felt like when i was at my worst, nobody could really see it

14d431 and what did you value?

070ca2 it was the worst ive felt in years. it was alot of anger and sorrow ive felt from, feeling like everything i valued was undermined. i couldn't really forget it all, cause i remember all of my sorrowful rants that i kept writing out, seeing if i could get someone to see what i saw

7d41af *opens conveniently placed door* Yo.

14d431 Yeah whats up with that

070ca2 i suppose the point where i had decided to be my most self-destructive, as thats where everything is at

14d431 what are we talking about

070ca2 yeah, thats usually how it is.

14d431 others are watching silently

070ca2 well, i was hoping it was you, youd be the only one here, just thought itd be me and myself again.

14d431 who where you expecting

070ca2 but, i did ask for someone.

070ca2 ah, didnt expect you.

14d431

070ca2 so, im willing to talk, if you're willing to.

070ca2 I firmly believe the damage is irreversible, so ill take whats left and go forward.

070ca2 the experience would leave many feeling certain ways, i am included in that. but, there is a bigger hole than there was before

070ca2 nothing can change what was done though, even i dont talk about it cause, whats more to be said?

070ca2 i didnt do them though. instead, i held onto what was said and kept true

070ca2 those are all great decisions.

070ca2 if anyone else were in my shoes, theyd tear up and reconcile

070ca2 i suppose if anyone else were in my shoes, theyd do things differently

070ca2 i dont get along with people, i understand that

070ca2 i suppose i could talk without talking

070ca2 i suppose thats all for tonight