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070ca2 well, im not. im sure you know very well that i really, really hate everything about myself. a large chunk of me wishes i would find a reason to die, but i cant, since there is no reason to die. so, i was... extremely lost.

14d431 You're still an enigma to me I can't tell if you're faking all of these responses just for fun or something

070ca2 yeah, no one else is like that. if i were to give my same thoughts, they'd struggle to follow along and theyd distance themselves.

14d431 Aware conversations are something I miss

14d431 You know there really is no one contemplative around anymore

070ca2 it just never crossed my mind that someone would genuinely consider me a friend to value those conversations, cause so many other people wouldn't value it

14d431 I see

070ca2 everything regarding how i treated you, like saying i didnt value what we talked about cause, i was already under the belief that i was undervalued myself

070ca2 at that point, i had no one i could really talk to about things like that, and truly engage in something that i felt we both could understand. cause, once that fell out, i was pretty much alone in my thoughts

14d431 what saying specifically?

070ca2 i really regretted what i said to you, you know. i felt like no matter any apology i said, it wouldn't really fix that.

14d431

070ca2 yeah, bad timing.. it was alot of bad timing i suppose.

14d431 I believe we both had a very bad timing of outside negative treatment, influence, and information at the time.

14d431 and then during all of the things you did afterwards i found out about your ex status and i think that concreted a revulsion, not out of hatred fully, just a "i do not want to be near".

14d431 i was angry, because we had alot of deep talks and it felt like we had a good friendship, and then i found out about the messages in the groupchat, and i got really mad, and i believe at the time you where allready not feeling well, you kept telling me that i didnt really mean much to you and that the conversations didnt really mean much, which made me even more upset, and then later on you apologized, but i felt very reserved towards you, which lead to half-baked conversations and wary interactions, which I believe only made things worse for your mental.

14d431 i mean by that, that even if i didnt have bad intention, i feel as if i added to the push

070ca2 i probably didnt even realize if you had a part in how i felt, i just blamed everything on myself, despite what i said about my value

14d431 i did some very stupid things

070ca2 although, id be lying if i said i was okay with knowing you didnt have hate. its more accurate to say that, im very bittersweet about that

14d431 no it wouldnt be, you only did all of that because you where prompted. my actions where part of that prompting where they not. im at least partially at fault for making you feel upset enough to do those things

070ca2 your hate would be justified, since i never forgave myself for anything i did. i wanted to acknowledge if there was any.

14d431 mm

070ca2 but, i know you all have that happiness that keeps you who you are.

14d431 i am not a hateful person danger

070ca2 i see.

14d431 if it makes you feel less lonely i think we all struggle with happiness here

14d431 you aren't a bad person and i don't see you as one

070ca2 cherishing your happiness while you have time to,

070ca2 i am glad you are all cherishing your happiness, i could see some of that.

070ca2 im sorry for being this way, and im happy that i am no longer in your way anymore. sorry for causing things to go bad when i did

14d431 i only see apologies as hollow if they hold zero meaning to change

070ca2 even though i said hollow apologies dont matter

14d431 hahaha

14d431 though those feelings are as valid as any as you say

070ca2 hahah, i guess im still trying to find reasons to hate myself more by saying all of that.

14d431 truest feelings do not constitute truest beliefs, usually momentary thoughts built off of inner echo chambering

070ca2 i take all of that in mind.

070ca2 i believe that anger always held the truest feelings, so everything that is said shouldve been taken with as much consideration as anything else.

14d431 its rare to actually mean things when you're angry

070ca2 im sure it would be. i see it as such. i linger around here despite all the sayings i had about leaving,