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070ca2 i really had nobody

14d431 if i am in a balanced mood and not busy i am up to deep talks allways, but i have to know in the first place that said party wants to partake in a deep talk

070ca2 i was just aimless, in all honesty. i was somewhere i knew that everyone despised me, and yet i felt like i was missing something

14d431

070ca2 yeah, that was the kind of person i portrayed myself to you when i was like that, but yeah, it was never meant to mock anything

610773 QUIT MONOLOGUE ING I JUST WANT TO RP AND BE A BLUE GUY, TAKE THIS THERAPY SESSION SOMEWHERE ELSE

14d431 I mostly believed that you where trying to mock me by posting fake deep messages as a reflection of how we used to talk and how everyone used to be harsh and rude towards you for "trying to seem smart" but i see

070ca2 i wasnt sure if it was a longing, i was still convinced nobody cared, but i was searching for something. and i dont think i ever told you, but i pour my thoughts out which seems like long rants, but theyre my way of trying to seek for something to be answered

14d431 What like after everything you did that?

070ca2 my regrets

070ca2 i really wasn't sure what was missing, i just knew that i was "missing" something from here, and i think what i was missing was

070ca2 and i naturally gravitated towards... making posts that wouldve caught your attention, as i usually pour my thoughts out into words to figure things out

14d431 Do you think you know what was missing or was it more than just a single thing and moreso just a longing to be here

070ca2 Yeah, i was just... so lost on what i was missing from here, and it felt like i was stuck whilst everyone else moved along

14d431 It makes sense that you would come back because you didnt actually want to go. that it was the anger you felt in the moment, that you where upset. I understand that

14d431 See I was confused why you kept coming back because you where so adamant on leaving. I didn't understand. Afterwards I sort of figured you where just ranting for the most part and didn't actually mean any of it. Mean as in, long term promise.

070ca2 oh,

14d431 I'll take your word for it though

14d431 No actually I don't know you're one of the only people I cannot read

070ca2 and i kept coming back here cause i felt like i lost something here. i lost something very important to me.

070ca2 well, im not. im sure you know very well that i really, really hate everything about myself. a large chunk of me wishes i would find a reason to die, but i cant, since there is no reason to die. so, i was... extremely lost.

14d431 You're still an enigma to me I can't tell if you're faking all of these responses just for fun or something

070ca2 yeah, no one else is like that. if i were to give my same thoughts, they'd struggle to follow along and theyd distance themselves.

14d431 Aware conversations are something I miss

14d431 You know there really is no one contemplative around anymore

070ca2 it just never crossed my mind that someone would genuinely consider me a friend to value those conversations, cause so many other people wouldn't value it

14d431 I see

070ca2 everything regarding how i treated you, like saying i didnt value what we talked about cause, i was already under the belief that i was undervalued myself

070ca2 at that point, i had no one i could really talk to about things like that, and truly engage in something that i felt we both could understand. cause, once that fell out, i was pretty much alone in my thoughts

14d431 what saying specifically?

070ca2 i really regretted what i said to you, you know. i felt like no matter any apology i said, it wouldn't really fix that.

14d431

070ca2 yeah, bad timing.. it was alot of bad timing i suppose.

14d431 I believe we both had a very bad timing of outside negative treatment, influence, and information at the time.

14d431 and then during all of the things you did afterwards i found out about your ex status and i think that concreted a revulsion, not out of hatred fully, just a "i do not want to be near".

14d431 i was angry, because we had alot of deep talks and it felt like we had a good friendship, and then i found out about the messages in the groupchat, and i got really mad, and i believe at the time you where allready not feeling well, you kept telling me that i didnt really mean much to you and that the conversations didnt really mean much, which made me even more upset, and then later on you apologized, but i felt very reserved towards you, which lead to half-baked conversations and wary interactions, which I believe only made things worse for your mental.

14d431 i mean by that, that even if i didnt have bad intention, i feel as if i added to the push

070ca2 i probably didnt even realize if you had a part in how i felt, i just blamed everything on myself, despite what i said about my value

14d431 i did some very stupid things

070ca2 although, id be lying if i said i was okay with knowing you didnt have hate. its more accurate to say that, im very bittersweet about that

14d431 no it wouldnt be, you only did all of that because you where prompted. my actions where part of that prompting where they not. im at least partially at fault for making you feel upset enough to do those things