rp gallery

bce8e5 I understand

8defd6 anyway uh, idk bmo, as i might have stated im actually more 'chuddy' now compared to even back then, so i dont think it was because i thought it was gay or anything, just like kind of weird, it was definetly projection tho i was kind of obsessed award

bce8e5 he's still there, any goober that appears one day never goes away. prophet's still here too. Hubris is too probably, though I don't dig enough into my mind for that.

236914 im gonna do a new one, i think this one isnt good

8defd6 my phone wasnt sending posts mb

236914 hi silly string

9df770 Ah, so it was what I originally thought. It is a mental scar, but more importantly a reminder. You still remember what it was like to be nobody, unlike the lack of memory when you suddenly came back from nobody.

8defd6 hi hello

236914 i did my victor drawing, it's... idk how to feel about it

bce8e5 Oh I get what you mean but I don't think Nobody persists as any sort of protective device. Parts like Noia exist still simply to protect me, making sure I'm hyper aware of others behaviors and whatnot. Nobody is like a mental scar. He's the negative space of what was eaten away from my brain, and I only notice him when I try to use that missing part.

9df770 And I believe seeing nobody in reflections means that what is left of your rebuilt self was intentional suppression that is meant to stop that turmoil from happening, like removing a bad part to make a system run more efficiently, or more redundencies.

bce8e5 I notice the lack of care for things I once loved and there isn't a sadness, there's a mild confusion and curiosity as to why it isn't there. Like looking down at your arm and being like "huh. why is my hand not there. that's odd. i can't feel it at all."

9df770 I believe that lack of memory is a form of suppression from your brain. Whatever had happened to suddenly bring you back, although different with a void that was taken out, was a response by your brain to suppress any ways of causing that type of relapse, likely stemming from those things that you once felt immensely vibrant about.

bce8e5 Do you think part of it has to do with the fact that you used to find that sort of stuff overall stupid and disgusting, and hated it, and now that you're harboring any sort of interest towards it, that old hatred is clashing, like a "you're supposed to dislike this stupid idiotic liberal shit."

bce8e5 I have no clue. It sort of just happened. I have no memory of when I felt normal again. I'm just here. I still notice that I am not the same, it was like I was rebuilt. I still see nobody in small reflections, like when I no longer rush to answer someone if they ask me a question, not realizing I walked off to do something but I can still hear them, I don't harbor any care anymore to correct people on topics I once held at a lot of energy towards. I have a vacuum void in a lot of moments and actions that where once vibrant.

7d768d *hard to pin down, maybe it’s more like a “I should be in that role i would make it cool” even if i actually secretly enjoy the content, kind of how i feel about femtanyl actually. I don’t really like her music tho but it’s simmilarish

7d768d Oh my gosh that is unreadable sry

7d768d hard to pin down, maybe it’s more like a “I should be in that role i would make it cool” even if i actually so secretly enjoy the content, kind of how i feel about femtanyl actually. I don’t really like her music tho but it’s simmilarish

9df770 and what happened that caused you to come back from depersonalization?

bce8e5 Yes, it killed me

bce8e5 when you say that you feel angry when people are better than you, is it a sense of shame that they're doing something you think you can't, that you feel as if "I should be better than you, this is disgusting."

9df770 Do you think of what had occured to you before depersonalization is best described as something that internally ate you alive until you were "nobody" with no ego, becoming an object or anti-individual

7d768d The only thing i sort of hide online is that im still actually like incredibly vitriolic, maybe it still kind of slips out onto here but it’s mostly relegated to my head. I really hate a majority of people or find them extremely pretentious and annoying, even if i dont have a reason as to why. maybe jealousy, i dont really like people that are better than me, especially if they create content i deem as weird or outside the norm, even tho i am and do that too.

bce8e5 I gave it the name Nobody, it's probably best characterized by a state of severe depersonalization, and ego dissolution overall. I was not me anymore, I was nothing. I imagine states of nirvana and so forth feeling similar, with more pleasant aspects.

bce8e5 https://youtu.be/9YE_YxJ7K7M?si=WiZXPF-ldmGQl087

9df770 And this nobody is what you believe is similar to a corpse? If so, it may be a way of your mind putting yourself in a situation where you are "dead" and thus, you roam away from the living as you are essentially "dead" and finding yourself in that mirror that is the void.

bce8e5 God no I'm glad I'm myself again. I was unable to feel it at the time but being nobody was beyond any human sense of horrifying

9df770 would you consider that identity a part of yourself that you wish to express more, or find it more appropriate in non-public settings of anti-individualism?

bce8e5 yeah, a forrest at night is the last place you'd expect someone to go, someone who is just looking into the dark and calmly observing basically meaningless things for long periods of time. it felt the least "human" and therefor the most right, the most encompassing.

236914 same silly string- i dont play a character (anymore), i'm just me.

bce8e5 theres a side of you that you cant find a place to express in public, but its still just as valid as a part of you as any other part, so you find it easy to slip into that identity on other places

9df770 In that sense, you'd be going to a place naturally where objects or anti-individualistic things wouldnt go, instead a cohesive unity that doesn't have the emotion from individualistic things

7d768d Yeah maybe, it’s not like i really play a character online, most of my interactions nowadays come from my genuine thought rather than what i deem under being cool, actually i think im less ‘me’ irl to fit in with the normgroids in school and such. Even though i like them alot more than any cord or xitter ###

bce8e5 not physically far, conceptually. everything else was tied to being human in some way, roads, fences, walls. the dark forrest felt total and anti-individual

9df770 you often surround yourself with what you see yourself as

236914 i have stuff like that sometimes. it sucks, really makes me feel miserable yk

bce8e5 I think it was mostly the fact that the forrest at night was the furthest thing from a person I could be in the presence of in that period

bce8e5 I developed a tic from that period that still comes up today when I'm really stressed, even if I didn't feel any sort of anxiety or frustration during that period, a small muscle in my lower left lip would twitch repeatedly, something that I can't even remotely do voluntarily.

236914 true strength comes from within. life can only harm you within. a strong will is a strong person; and only the strong survive.

9df770 from what I see, the forest darkness seems to be the closest representation to the "void" you feel from such a situation. Its like your emotions had stopped entirely yet your comprehension heightened to a state of an end goal, skipping the process and "emotion" that goes along with what you experience. In a way, taking pictures of those objects can be a representation of the "emotion" you want to capture again, and the forest darkness representating the "nothing" that used to be full of something, like a forest would be full of life.

bce8e5 I felt more like an object than a human, like the water bottle on my desk rather than the body sitting in the chair